How About You Never Speak To Me Again

When I say something, I mean it.  If someone asks me if I said something, or they heard I said something, I have no problem confirming or denying my words.  I know what I said, because I meant it when I said it.  The thing about our words, is that it’s the only thing you have, and you can’t take them back.  If you where to strip away the material possessions, all you would have is your Name.  Your name is what you’ve said and what you’ve done.  So as I write this letter to you, Anon, I wonder if you regret the words you’ve said, and the things you’ve done.

Imagine one day, one of your closest friends tells you that they only befriended you out of pity.  Because after five years, that’s exactly what happened to me.  This person told me that they only befriended me because they pitied me, until they found out how cool I was and that we were interested in the same things.  Five years.  That’s five years I consider wasted time now.  There was no reason to ever, ever tell me that.  None at all.  All that did, was confirm all those anxieties and worries that I had in high school that no one wanted me around.  I was always wondering if I was a burden, and that my friends weren’t really my friends, and that they just put up with me for some reason.  I had no reason to think that, but I did anyways.  For two and a half years in high school.  I didn’t have any confidence at all, and was very self-conscious. There was never any rational reason to have these concerns going through my head all the time, at that time.  Now I have to sit back and think, did anyone even want me around at all?

Here’s the thing.  I’m not really close with any of my high school friends anymore.  All of my friends in that group went their separate ways, as is expected after graduation.  I didn’t really feel a sense of loss then, because I wasn’t that close to everyone in this group of 8-10 people.  I was only close to three of them.  One stopped talking to me and the others all together.  The other two, I talked to regularly and tried to keep up.  And of course, it was one of those two that dropped that on me.  I immediately ran through all the situations in my head with that friend group where I felt outcast, and suddenly everything made sense.  I was an outcast because no one wanted me there.  Of course, I went to the other friend to see if she felt that way as well. Out of all of those people that I thought were my friends, she was the only one that made it clear that I was wanted, and was a true friend.  I am very appreciative of her, and our friendship is as strong as ever.

Oh, you thought this was the end? Of course not.  That other friend said something else very ignorant at that same time, and I still can’t decide which is worse.  He told me that he had liked me for multiple years now.  (Ok, I knew that.  But you liked me after pitying my existence? Whatever). He said he would have asked me out (and I told him I would have said yes [I didn’t have a crush, perse, but I was willing to give a chance] )  But there was a but.  He didn’t want to be with me because of my illness, and the uncertainty that it brings.  Not knowing how it would end up, and potentially losing me would be too much.  Too much for him.  I’m the one dying, but it’s too much for him.  Here’s the thing.  I can understand that.  Not wanting to be in a relationship with me because it doesn’t have a strong future.  I would never ask that of someone.  I already feel like a burden enough as it is.  But if that person is such a close friend, someone that has stuck around for five years already, wouldn’t that loss hurt already?  If I was important in that person’s life at all, it would still suck if something happened to me, right?  I guess I didn’t matter that much.  I would have only mattered enough if I had given myself up physically.  So how is that fair?

Between hearing those two statements, my biggest fears were confirmed.  That I wasn’t wanted, I was too much of a burden, and that I wasn’t important enough to be cared about.  This bothered me for months.  I cried almost every day for a while about this, and I tend to not be a very emotional person.  It caused me to reevaluate every personal relationship in my life.  I was left feeling very hurt, and decided this person was not a friend of mine.  I cut it off completely, without explaining why.  In hindsight, it would have been better if I had explained how I felt, and then stopped talking to him.  But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I didn’t owe him that, or anything.

Now I know I shouldn’t keep grudges, but I find it very hard not to.  This happened at the very beginning of the year, and I just reached out to him a few weeks ago.  We still haven’t talked about why I was mad, or why I felt the way I did.  I have plans to try to remedy the situation a bit.  Not forgive, or forget.  That won’t happen.  Things will never be the same.  I’m not sure if that friendship will ever stand again.  When I last spoke to him, he said he was worried we’d never speak again.  Which is exactly how I wanted it to go.  I really did plan on never speaking to him again.  But for now, I’m willing to see if this is something we can fix.

So here’s to you, Anon.  I hope you can learn for next time

P.S. to the girl that he confided in about these things.  If you were really my friend, you would have told me he said those things and warned me.  Not agreed with him and let me be blindsided like that.  So no thanks to you, either

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