Digesting Butterflies

In looking for a relationship, I’ve wanted different things at different times.  At first, I guess I wanted to feel a rush.  Butterflies every time that person was around.  The excitement was what I was after.  I was friends with someone who made me feel that way.  Nervousness every time they were around me.  Of course as life is, that person so did not reciprocate.  Barely gave the time of day as a friend.  But I think that if I had a “relationship” with that person, it would not have been satisfying.  I would have been worrying the whole time.  In a relationship, there needs to be some level of comfortability. With this person, I felt that I could be comfortable, but it would take a lot of work and effort from both sides, and that was just never going to happen.  Funnily enough, I’m not even in contact with this person anymore.  They stopped communicating with me, and I stopped trying and caring; it took me several years to see my own value and learn that I didn’t deserve the way that person treated me.

As I went off to college, I made many new friends.  I learned what it was like to actually have good friends that I blended well with and supported me.  I love them to death, and they will be my friends for life.  I really learned how I deserve to be treated, as I wasn’t treated well by the people I called my friends in the past.  One of them was a guy, and we could have been a thing if I had been able to stay at university.  He was really funny and charming to me, even if my friends didn’t agree.  We have a similar sense of humor, and some aligning interests.  We made a great pair, and if we were together, there were always laughs to be had.  This was the first time that I had been interested in someone who respected me for who I am as a person; he never treated me different because of my illness.  And really, that was all of my friends.  I never felt like I was out of place, left out, or a burden.  Everyone was amazing at understanding when I couldn’t go out and do something; many times, plans were adjusted so that I could be included.  Never before had I met such an amazing group of people that got it.  And of course, this guy was a part of this group.  I had to go to stay inpatient in the hospital.  He didn’t think twice about getting a group together to come visit me and bring me snacks, even though he didn’t know me that well yet.  Plus, this was the first time any friends ever had come to visit me in the hospital.  I cried after they left, probably.

So I thought that maybe I needed someone like that.  Someone who shared my interests, like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, bad pick up lines, and funny memes.  Ya know, a person that I felt completely okay with being myself around.  But of course, all good things have to end.  I was forced to leave school on a medical emergency.  My friends still had school work to do and life to live.  It’s hard to keep in touch nowadays.  They all have school work to do, as juniors in college.  I don’t really do much at home, but I’m also in the hospital or sick a lot, or going through a depressive episode where I don’t have the social energy to try and keep up.  Plus, hearing about what everyone else gets to do isn’t always a pick-me-up.  It gets hard hearing how great everyone else is doing when you aren’t.  All of my college friends that I’ve been able to keep up with are doing great, and in relationships.  All of them.  My guy friend has been dating this awesome girl for about a year now.  And of course, I’m happy for all of my friends.  But a little part of me wonders what would have been if I had been able to stay? Maybe I would have had a great relationship, maybe I would have been single while all my friends weren’t.  The worst part is not ever being able to know.

So where does that leave me now?  I’m not really sure.  I had met someone from tinder, and he was great.  We had several interests in common, almost a scary amount.  All of the same bands and TV shows, religious and political opinions; it was almost scary how much we had in common.  Of course, this doesn’t have a happy ending either.  He’s in the military, and was re-stationed several states away a week after we met.  There’s a likelihood we’ll never see each other again.

For now, I don’t know what I want, but I’ll know it when I see it.  The common trait that I’ve seen across the board with all guys I thought I had potential with, was ambition.  They were all very successful at what they were doing.  They all seemed to be the best, or wanted to be.  I guess success is an attractive quality to me.  I know that I want someone that is as driven as I am.  Someone who doesn’t want to do anything with their life, while I’m constantly pursuing all options, isn’t going to be a good match.  I also know that I want someone that I can have fun with.  I like to joke and cut loose, and if I feel like I can’t do that, I’m being restrained.

The most important idea though, is how I want to feel.  At first, I wanted to feel excitement and a rush.  Then, I thought I wanted something passionate and vibrant.  But for now, I think I’m looking for comfort, something easy.  Not an easy relationship, because that would be boring, but someone that is easy to be with.  Someone that I would look forward to coming home everyday, and feel completely safe with.  And not in a physical way, but in an emotional way.  I don’t want to ever feel like I’m not adequate or good enough.  And being with the right person, I wouldn’t ever have to question that.  It’s not about the butterflies that you get, it’s the feeling that is left after.  If butterflies is all you ever feel, when that honeymoon stage is over, there’s nothing left.  I want it to feel natural, and easy to just be together.  You gotta digest those butterflies, and see what’s left over.  Because that’s the meat of the relationship, that’s the important part.



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