Songs: “Work Song” by Hozier, “Solo Dance” by Martin Jensen, and “Techically Single” by Tayler Buono

Growing up, there was always a huge emphasis on being in a relationship/boys.  It was always “A boy wants a girl who looks and smells nice” this and “Do you want boys to like you?” that. So understandably, I always thought about wanting a boyfriend when I got older.  I wanted to be wanted and desired.  Never mind things like wanting a career, dressing up for myself, or god forbid,  wanting to date a girl. But of course, no one wanted to date me in middle or high school.  My confidence level plummeted.  Why did no one want me? What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough?  All I wanted was to be wanted.  But suddenly, when I had someone that wanted me, I didn’t like it.  I didn’t like them back; I just wanted to focus on school and getting ready for college.  Around 11th grade, more and more of my friends got into relationships, and here I was, steadily single.  I wanted someone that would give me butterflies around them, even when I thought about them.  I wanted variety in my life, the excitement that I thought others had that I was doing without.  And for a time, there was a person that did that to me.  When I talked to them about it and wanting to be in a relationship, I was shot down.  So then I decided that wasn’t what I wanted, because when that’s gone, there’s nothing left.  As I went through senior year, I started looking for someone that was calming and easy to be around.  That time between the end of senior year and going off to college, I changed my definition of home.  Home stopped being a fixed place and became a feeling, a sense of comfort and safety; home became the people that I was closest to.  But having that feeling with people as a senior in high school, is not a productive environment for a romantic relationship.  Going into college, I wanted to make good friends. Close, real friends that I didn’t have to question if they really liked me.  And that’s what exactly what I did.  I wasn’t looking for a relationship or someone to like.  I just wanted to enjoy my time there and assimilate to college life.  But then I found myself getting sucked in again.  This time I wanted someone who was funny, and had the same sick sense of humor as I do.  Someone I could always joke around with.  As time went on, I realized that I needed more than that to have a deep connection with a person.  Just because we could laugh together doesn’t mean that we belonged together.

After I had to leave college and come home, the stress was really starting to get to me.  All of the people around me got to continue with school, making new friends, dating new people, living their lives.  And I was stuck at home by myself.  I couldn’t relate to anyone anymore.  I just wanted one person that I could rely on.  A steady hand that would be there to support me.  As the year went on and I continued to struggle with my medical and mental health, I realized that  no one was going to be there for me.  I can only rely on myself and my family.  Everyone else had lives to live, I was too much of a burden.

Of course, I don’t think of myself that way, but others do.  And I or anyone else deserve better than that.  I deserve to be more than someone to sleep with and then not talk about once we leave the room.  I deserve to be shown off and appreciated.  So here I sit, not knowing if I want a relationship anymore.  I am happy with how I am living and have much higher priorities such as my health, family, and figuring out what I want for my future.  I do know that I want someone that has drive, and wants to be successful.  I want to be able to say “Here’s my boyfriend, isn’t he awesome?” But I need to be able to have a deep connection so that we can talk about anything, but also joke about anything.  I’d prefer that we have similar interests, but the point is moot.  I’m not exactly sure what I want out of a relationship anymore, but I want it to be worth it.  I’ll know what I want when I experience it.  Then, I’ll let you know.

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